It all started one innocent afternoon. My youngest son was lying on his back on the floor with his hands behind his knees kicking his feet. None of us were sure why he was doing this until we heard an unmistaken sound. The same sound that has brought little boys to their knees in giggles and laughter for years. The same sound that occurs when a little boy puts his hand under his armpit and flaps like a chicken. It was indeed-the sound of flatulence.
By placing his hands behind his knees and kicking his feet, my son realized he could make twice the noise as the armpit method, and to him, it was twice as funny. His brother and father seemed to agree. My husband even commented, “Hey Drew, you should do that trick on David Letterman’s stupid human tricks.” The comment was lost on my son as he continued to “toot” with glee, and I just rolled my eyes in disbelief at this, this…guy thing.
One week later:
“Hey Mike, you’re not going to believe this.”
“What?”
“Letterman is having an open casting call in Boston for stupid pet and stupid human tricks.”
“You’re kidding?”
“No, seriously. It’s next week.”
“You gotta take Drew.”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“C’mon. Who knows? Maybe he’ll make it on the show. You can’t deprive your son of his 15 minutes of fame.”
OK, that got to me. I knew my son’s trick wasn’t Letterman worthy, but even so, I felt compelled to make the trip to Boston. I couldn’t ignore the irony of my husband’s initial comment, I was curious what tricks other people would come to perform, and I surely didn’t want to deprive my son of his 15 minutes of fame.
Day of the audition:
We were sitting in the lobby of Boston’s CBS affiliate surrounded by dogs of all sizes, a parrot, kids with an array of instruments, and a mailman cowering in the corner trying to avoid said dogs. You could tell everyone was curious why the others were there and I managed to eavesdrop on a few conversations.
“What does your dog do?”
“He swims above water.”
“And, your dog?”
“He sneezes for cheeseburgers.”
Not sure if these were feats that would shock and awe, but knowing my son’s trick was of equal lackluster caliber, I tried not to judge too harshly. I also hoped no one would ask me what his trick was. I mean, what was I going to say? “My son makes the sound of a large man passing gas after attending an all day chili cook-off.” Didn’t really want to go there.
Then, it was my son’s turn to do his trick. He was thrilled right up until…
“Hi, what’s your name?” the producer asked.
“Andrew.”
“And what trick are you going to do for us today, Andrew?”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
OK, we learned one thing. Drew doesn’t perform well under pressure, so we sat off to the side and watched the other auditions while he tried to pull himself together. While we waited, this is what we saw.
The mailman played “Yankee Doodle Dandy” by tapping his fingers in random melodic fashion on his large sparkling teeth, a German shepherd did addition and subtraction by tapping the answer with his paw in his owner’s hand, and finally, a parrot and poodle team took the stage. The parrot was supposed to give commands to the dog (sit, rollover, beg, etc.) and the dog would follow. However, I had overheard the owner in the lobby say, “Yeah, my dog has ADD (attention deficit disorder). He already blew his audition in New York because he kept getting distracted.” It turns out not much had changed. The parrot was on point, but the poodle-paralyzed.
Then Drew announced, “OK, I’m ready to do my trick.” He got down on the ground, kicked his little feet as hard as he could, and was proud as a peacock. I, on the other hand, was turning as red as the peacock’s brightest plume realizing this trick was cute when performed in the comfort of our own home, but rather embarrassing when performed for one of the top rated late night shows.
So what did we learn from this experience? 15 minutes of fame can easily turn into 15 minutes of shame, I might want to rethink my son’s career path, and I will never, ever listen to my husband again!
